I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
