Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
