Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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