last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
