I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
