Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
