the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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