He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
