hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
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i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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