Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
