so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
