Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
