I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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