it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
