Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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