what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
