8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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