Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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