if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
