i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
