Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'd cum for enchiladas.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
