i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
