the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
