she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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