you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
