When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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