sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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