You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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