Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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