Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
