she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
