Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Please don't give away my fajitas
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
