Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
