your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
