My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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