i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
