Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
