The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
