i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
