somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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