I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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