Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
