i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
