he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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