Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
