i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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