Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
