Betty ford says i'm here all night
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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