I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Randomize
