The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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