Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
