May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
