i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
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