remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
