my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
