your thong is hanging out like whoa
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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