someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
